My Story

Feb 17th, 2017.

A confession by Kam.

Okay, I wanna be open now. Here's my life story.

It's going to take a long time reading so if you don't have time, come back later.

My whole life I've never been so open to anyone about what I want and what I feel. Including what I want to be in the future. So hopefully this will explain everything. I just hope someone that I know will find this and help me with my life.

First off let's talk about what is currently happening. I'm currently 16 and I'm scared of my life and my future. I really am just terribly scared of the future. So, at this age, we all know where I'm supposed to be, in high school. But right now, I'm not. I'm saying this the simplest way possible but if you want to know, keep reading this paragraph, if not jump to the next paragraph. My first day of high school is last year, 2016, whichever month that was. I was afraid of going to high school. Why, you ask? I was afraid because I didn't want to see anyone that I used to know back when I was still in middle school, first middle school. First middle school? I have an explanation for that. For everyone who doesn't know, back in 2014, I failed my 8th grade, so I had to redo it. This story leads to another story, my greatest fear, a traumatic experience back on 4th grade. To keep this simple, my fear is, I'm afraid of people asking me a question that I can't answer, and people being mad at me, especially teachers, or everyone at school. I failed 8th grade, I had to redo it in another city, so I moved. I finished middle school and I moved back to this city to continue to high school. Again, I didn't want to go to high school. I was just afraid that people I used to know would recognize me and then realize that I'm in a lower grade than them when I wasn't before. Now from that story, I managed to get out of the situation and passed the first semester quite well, not really. During this first semester I joined a theater club at school, because I discovered that I want to pursue acting and maybe, become an actress and be in a bloopers video or whatever LOL. Back at the story, I was doing well until this one day, because of my fear, I was then again afraid of one of the senior and then I was sick, after I was sick I should've gone back and practice the play I was doing but because of my fear and that I was stupid, I didn't go to school for a week so I would have a reasonable explanation of why I didn't show up for a week to practice the play. Stupid me. Then I finally got a good but bad reason to quit the play; I was sick and I had this problem at school and blah blah blah. I sorta lied but at the same time I was telling the truth but I'm not sure. There's always this kind of thing in my school life, not going to school for a week or more, because of fear. It happens on literally every semester. It would start as a lazy feeling, then cause a chain reaction that made me afraid to go back to school, like, what if they ask me about it? Back to the story, it's supposed to be the second semester this year, but since the holiday break, I didn't go to school. Same reason, laziness at first then fear after. And it's been more than a month I can't go back that easily. I stayed at home all day, afraid to go outside fearing of meeting someone I know from school. I became depressed and I got anxiety. I am stupid and I regret everything. Now, I should've not done that, but it was hard to go back to school after the holiday break. I got no motivation to go back, and now I know theater club, the one I love the most should've motivated me to go back, but it didn't. I was still a bit afraid of coming back after I quit that play last year.

Basically I didn't go to school anymore and I ruined my school life. Right now I'm stuck here knowing nothing to do, and how to fix my life after I ruined everything.

Now let's talk about what I want. Yeah, after these things I still won't give up my dream; to become an actress. I went a lot of phases in my life, back then when I wanted to be a firefighter, when I wanted to be a vet, a soccer player, a secret agent. I have bad commitments on literally everything, and I've never wanted something in my life so bad, I've never had a commitment this big. I really want to become an actress. If I'm hoping too high, I know I am, but I'm not looking for the fame, I want to experience. You ever see those behind the scenes of a big Hollywood action adventure science fiction movie? Green screens, motion capture, I want to see them with my own eyes. And being scared of the future really puts me into pressure, should I do this, or not? I know nothing should stop me from reaching my dreams, but whenever I see, or came across hates in this world, and how messed up this world is, I just don't know what to do. Even sometimes I dragged myself into an existential crisis, like Dan Howell, or other deep thoughts within myself. What is the meaning of life? What if I do this and it's really unnecessary? What's the point of reaching my dreams if I will eventually die? And also, what if I can't reach my dreams? What if I can't survive this world? I think about things like that, which tears me apart. But at the same time I really want to reach my dreams. But how? But I still want to. With everything that happens in my life, sometimes I like to think about another me, another self living in another universe, another better life. Where I could control what would happen and I could reach my dreams easily. I call that self, Kay, just out of nowhere I loved that name, it started with a K just like my own name. I started thinking about this since 2014, I think. That's not the only weird thing about me, I also talk to myself. No, nobody responds when I do that, so calm down. I pretend I was doing a movie scene, maybe talking with my imaginary director or whatever. And I really do that scene, like, I think I nailed it, all of it. Doing these things somehow builds my confidence and my acting skills and also gets my English better because a lot of times I would talk to myself, pretend that I was talking to someone, or pretend I was doing a YouTube video in English. I gotta admit, I enjoy I doing it, it might seem weird but I've been discovering that other people sometimes do that too. I was scrolling down the comment section on a YouTube video (like, weird things that I do kind of video)  and I saw a comment saying "I also talk to myself" and people replied to the comment saying "same" so I know I'm not alone. Back to 'reaching my dream', I'm still confused, I don't know what to do, how to reach my dream, and how to keep going with my life without thinking about those bad things in the world, things that will prevent me from reaching my dreams. And I still don't know how to go back to school. But to be honest, I lost my interest in going back or even, move to another school, right now I just want to pursue what I want, acting. It's kind of hard to find school of performing arts or whatever. And if I am going to finish high school and graduate, am I going to college? Not sure, just prepare for a no answer, it's possible. Listen, it is stupid saying no to going to college, but believe me, I don't want the same fear consuming me every morning or at least once every year. It's like walking to a trap when you already see it.

Now what I want to say is, sorry, to everyone. To my parents, sorry for being a bad kid with really stupid and weird fears, and for letting you down. To my family, sorry I couldn't do things that you want me to do, especially my grandpa who wants me to be a doctor, I'm afraid I can't. Sorry to my friends for being there for me but I'm not there for them. Sorry to my teachers, I've been making all of you confused of why I'm not going to school. Sorry to my amazing theater club friends and seniors, you guys are amazing and I would love to go back to doing more plays but I still don't know how to go back. And finally, to myself for being so stupid in the past, made my present self regret everything. And yeah, I guess that's it.

This is my blog, if you wish to see more posts that I did, you're freely welcome to do that. Thank you for reading.

July 21st, 2019.
Will always miss it.

I've only now fully realized that I was really the one to blame. I realized how selfish I am for letting this fear get on me and ruin everything for the rest of you, probably made you all start over, to fill in that hole I've left behind, that I should've fixed. I should've thought how one thing could ruin the rest. I'm sorry. I should've heard what you really said and trust you. I wasn't good enough, but maybe I should've tried again.

I know maybe none of you wants me back, that perhaps it will be a burden. I feel like maybe it's all better off without me. I'm glad after all the crap I put you through you still managed to earn first place. And now some of you were on TV. All these crazy accomplishments, wow.

But to tell you the honest truth, I want to get back. I really do. I feel like there's not a single week that goes by without me thinking about being back with all of you. Yes, it sounds so dramatic and mostly desperate. But what can I do when the happiest moment in my life happened with all of you? That's another thing you might only hear in movies. But that's the truth.

Another truth is that I'm truly scared, as well. I'm scared of all the worst case scenarios. I'm scared it will happen again, and it will, and I won't be able to handle it. All I've known all this time when similar things happen, is to run. Run away, avoid. I thought about it multiple times now, that if I still want to have it, I need to face it, not run away from it. But, man, it takes a lot doesn't it?

I get scared of a lot of things. I'm scared of the future, past, even present. I could go 12 hours straight explaining all of them but I won't. Not now. And one last thing. I know I said this is the year to take risks, right. I've gotten this far without taking even a single one. I have zero confidence and I'm scared, I still can't put those fears behind. I know what I want, but not how to get there, but now I'm starting to doubt it as well.

Reach out to me, please? I've been meaning to tell you all that I miss it, I miss our time. I really do. Will I be welcomed back? Are we good? Has he forgiven me yet? I'm too scared to ask directly, or better, apologize straight to him. See, that's another thing. Before I really stop writing though, please know that I think y'all are amazing, and every single one of you deserve the best. Maybe I'll be off doing my own things but, I'll never forget you and what you've taught me.

Sorry, and thank you.

September 13th, 2019.
The guy.

For the guy, the dude, here's the thing man, I'm sorry.
I didn't listen to you. After all of that, you still spoke to me about it. And yes, that was true what you said, I need more confidence.
Thank you for pointing that out, it was already obvious but thank you, it meant a lot that you would acknowledge that. I mean, for talking to me about it. You showed me that you acted like that for a reason, that you weren't just some scary dude. Maybe that's the way you are? It makes sense, you're just trying to make me get it right. Maybe I just wasn't good enough. I needed more confidence. I should've tried, I should've taken what you said and come back having learned what I should've learned.
 
Still, I was intimidated. I mean, what part of me isn't scared of other people's anger? I'm always like this. One sign of somebody I just knew getting mad at me, I run, dude. I run away and hide, that's what I do. And yeah, totally get it now, I need to change the way I react to those kind of things. There's a better way of handling that, communication, for example. I guess I didn't know that, right? So stupid. That same thing, same fear, exactly what made me bail out of everything, school, and then theater club. It's people's anger I fear of. Maybe there's an origin story for that? Not sure. But it sure wasn't your fault, man. It's all me. It's my fault. I'm sure you all know that. I mean, I really abandoned all that and ruined it for you guys just because of that, fear of anger.

So, sorry. I still feel that guilt and that's why I keep apologizing, I probably got that from my mom. But, yeah, I kinda also feel like I'm still not forgiven for what I did. For the mess I left. I regret it though, still. I wish I could start over. I even had goals back then, maybe I could get a speaking role. The furthest I've gone was a featured role, don't know if any of you guys remember that. I had a voodoo doll or whatever, and I brought a mickey mouse doll with just the right size, but the wrong color. It wasn't regular mickey mouse color. Anyway, sorry for messing everything up, I'm sure you guys had to fix my mess and it was most definitely tiring, and that's why I'm sorry. And I'm sure it was confusing why I left so suddenly. Let's all hope that kind of thing won't happen again in our lives, alright?

I really suck, man. But I'm trying to grow. I'm trying to remind myself that I can't do that same thing again, I can't run away, I can't just bail out. I have to talk and communicate. I learned that at least theoretically. So that's a good thing right? If that were to happen again right now, if somebody's angry at me again for not getting something right, maybe I'll tremble, what I should do, is let them calm down, after that, talk to them about it. And try to get it right, for god's sake. I suppose it's the right thing to do? Communicate? Understand each other well, therefore we can both do things in ways that would be comfortable for each other? Yeah? I hope that'll work and I hope I can act on that basis. And also more confidence in me, I need that.

I guess I've said everything I have to say? I'm assuming? Still don't know if anybody's forgiven me for what I did though. And I mean, not just him, the director dude, but everybody else too, my theater friends, castmates, even like, teachers and classmates too. I did everybody a heckin confusion and I messed everything up, took y'all's energy to do something else to clean my mess. Not cool, sorry about that. Should've gone back. Being yelled at should be nothing, there's more at stake, the theater club, you guys' commitment to the play we were doing, everything. And of course being in a theater club for me, it was the best thing ever, couldn't ever lose that. Look what losing it did to me. But enough about me, you guys are the absolute best and you guys didn't deserve being treated like crap by me like that, I'm sorry. I'm really, truly sorry.

If I could give back, I will.

-Kam