When I was a kid...

When I was a very young kid, my aunt bought me a doll, then I told my mom, "Mom, I don't want this, I don't like it."

When I was a bit older my dad wanted to buy me a skirt, I said, "No, I don't want it, I don't like it, even if you buy it for me, I won't wear it."

When I was an older kid, I see boys, they look great. I wanted to look like them. I want a short hair, I want boys' clothes, I want to be just like them.

When my parents went to a clothing store, they asked me which one I like. I chose one, the one I really want, the one for boys. Or at least that's what they think.

I keep asking for boys' clothes.
I keep asking to cut my hair short.
I keep asking for toy cars.
So they gave me those.

You know how I felt?
I felt amazing.

I look into the mirror.
I was happy of how I look like, I finally looked like them.
I was happy I had cool toys, the ones that I liked.

Then years later, puberty comes.
I felt gross. I didn't like how I looked like.
My chest started to be more like women's chest. My hips got wider.
I hated my body.
I didn't even wear bras for years because I didn't like it, it's for women.

I also don't like when they call me "a beautiful girl" or "a pretty girl" I just feel uncomfortable, okay? Why won't you stop?

And I still feel that way.

I love short hair. I love masculine clothes. I love looking like guys.
I still hate my body.
I want to get rid of those thingys on my chest. I want my hips to get smaller.
I don't want this body. I didn't ask for it.

Even though I might feel comfortable at times mostly because I didn't care about my body. I still get dysphoria quite a lot at different times.
Do I wanna be a girl? Not really. Do I wanna fully transition into a guy? I don't think so. Though it'll be great but I don't think I can handle the process.

I'll just get a binder and I think everything will be alright.

So, what am I? Why do I feel this way? I still feel different. And you know what, I also like girls as much as I like guys. I don't even understand myself.

And parents, hey, shouldn't you already know? No, it's not a phase.
Hah, what? Really? It has always been like this for years and you still want to call it a phase?? Come on.

Yeah I'm still in the closet. Still scared.
I don't know what to say.
I'll probably just let them figure things out by themselves. I mean I've lived with them for years, since birth, they took most of the hints I dropped. They should already have at least a clue, that I'm different.

Yeah, no, not a phase, mom and dad. Figure it out already.

For parents out there with queer kids. I just want to let you know.
When they come out, please understand that, they come out, to be open with you, to feel safe and comfortable around you.
It's telling a truth, not changing themselves, they've always been like that, trust me. They just want you to love them more, to understand them more.
Please be accepting, if you can't, work it out, don't ever abandon them, they need you, always need you.

Love them with all your hearts.

And that's all I want to say.
I guess there will be no proper way of saying "okay it's done now have a great day, I'll be right back with more posts."
I just want people to understand.
If you can't, then respect others.
See ya.

-Kam is queer, get over it.